Welcome to Our World . . .

Doin American Shit

2009-07-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

Me and Beep went to Walmart to find American flag bathing suits but they were fresh out of stock :( Not to worry, this led to finding the finest cut-offs a store could have. Beep's was a pure breed...cut-off, tight, tankini needing no alterations. Mine was a mutt and needed to be cut...from all ends. But after leaving Wal-mart, picking up marrara and becky, and going to the liquor store (where we were questioned about our age again), our journey to Do American Shit all day was on. I would like to add random little notes from here on out instead of telling a story...k go. Beep smashed her head into the sink faucet while spitting into it. Melissa screamed for mercy while we bonded her to the bed and told her to shut her mouth, or in Nicole's words "you'll shut your mouth if you know whats good for you". A new game was invented called hoops. Me and Nicole own rights to this game so I cant talk about it online. We ate Hooters in memory of HB and because that's what Americans eat. Oh yes and melissa's toupee was the highlight of the night. I hope some kid found that and played with it. Anyway I have to go have a beer now so I'm done writing. I'll update later.
AC

Under the Fireworks.

2009-07-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

So after a lovely little drunken day on the Ft. Laudi beach playing with a retarded frisbee, boys who donated beers, chicken fights which left many necks sore, and mander/bp/katy's life mission to figure out which balcony window was ours, we were off to conquer the Fourth of July with or without ambiii. :(

The jacuzzi tub didn't see us coming. It had no idea that the columbian santa and elian gonzalez were at the center of a heated attempt to outdo one another's bubble hair.

After my power nap and my wonderfully perfect dinner that was delivered by my boo, I was ready to get crazy with the help of mander and her little pink friend. Oh, but let me not forget to mention that I was held against my will, bondaged to the four poster bed, and laughed at maniachly by four gang bangers. man though, i put up the fight of my life, i must say. although my screams were probably what provoked the little family next door to call the lobby? when the hotel 'bouncer' showed he pretty much pooped on our party so we migrated to hooters. on the way we saw bloodshed in the form of a drunken boy's shin, but when we got to the bar we learned that Steve McNair was no longer with us and we all cried in our rum and cokes. we somehow managed to collect ourselves and head over to fat tuesdays where we hit the slushies and danced salsa like we knew what was up. there was a dance circle, (started i must add by my little lovely . . . so impressive) . . . and when the bar closed and kicked our drunk asses out we did not end there. mandi, beep, k-money and i all had a $5 photo shoot which only three of us remember. haha. and there was a $25 veggie pizza ordered, who does that? we all decided we wanted to go down to the pool, but when those dreams were crushed the beach sounded like the next best idea so in bathing suits i ate pizza, ran through the lobby with beep, and drank the mystery red concoction i found in the freezer only to realize that everyone had passed out during my rampage and the beach was not gonna happen unless i wanted to pull an amber and be found out there at 6am the next morning cold and alone.

little remnants of our 48 hour attack on so flo with videos to come.

RIP AIR MCNAIR.

-M

Asian Flush

2009-06-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

We went in the river today. BP and Olgie didn't go. And the Lame-of-the-Day award goes to... Omg I have super asian flush right now...fuck this. Everyone is laughing. Mander is doing her dancing shit again. She keeps playing the stupid Poker Face remix by Kid Cudi. She is such a dude...She wishes she had a peenee. I have a new Asian Flush friend. Her name is Sunita. We're embarrassed together. Black tops are dancing in front of my face. Mine starts on the cheeks and No Bra's starts on her chin. I put my butt on Sabi's face.

>:}

2009-06-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

. . . and if there ever were perfect friends, they would construct a sign and permanent marker their bellies when I could not drink with them. hmmm. that's love.

I couldn't put any of these on FB.

2009-06-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

(Click on each picture below to watch the videos! The vids occur in chronological order.)

Nicole Dancin'

From Orlando 2009 Videos

Ambii's and Moni's Magic Cart Ride

From Orlando 2009 Videos

PB&J

From Orlando 2009 Videos

I don't even know how she does this.

From Orlando 2009 Videos

"The Dick Angle"

From Orlando 2009 Videos

Belly Floppin'

From Orlando 2009 Videos

More Belly Floppin'

From Orlando 2009 Videos

Haha

From Orlando 2009 Videos

Bump N' Grind

From Orlando 2009 Videos

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Wasn't Drunk, But Still Entertaining

2009-06-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

I was talking to an old friend from back home tonight and catching up (and not studying for my Business Law exam) when she says to me, "Hey Ambii, remember when you wrote that poem back in high school about your guinea pig?" Oh my Jesus, yes. I absolutely did. Well, I had stored the poem on this online journal site, (I'm not sure if anyone that reads this has heard of it, but it used to be a popular thing to do with me and my friends back in high school.).

Though I do not post on the journal anymore and my blogs cannot be seen to the public (Thank goodness.), I still keep them for entertainment and nostalgia purposes. Let me just say that it is freakin' hilarious/completely embarrassing to read the thoughts of a teenage Ambii from between the ages 15 and 17. Anyway, I showed Meli the poem too, and she deemed it blogworthy. I did not write it while I was drunk, nor did it occur during my "college life," but she insisted that it was still entertaining enough to post here. (If non-drunk or non-college-life material is allowed to be blogged about, MAYBE I'll post the story about the time I got a Brazilian wax while I was in Dubai.)

Well, enjoy.

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Untitled

The first time I laid eyes on you

I knew you were the one

I knew I had to have you

And together we’d have so much fun

I said, “Daddy, this is the one I want.”

He said, “Sure, she looks mighty fine.”

I waddled up to the cash register

And the clerk said, “That’ll be $10.59.”

I lament the fact that I neglected you

Neglected you for the following six years

But today I felt regret the most

Because your death brought me to tears

Today, I stared at your body

Lifeless and limp

Trying to feed you a carrot

I started to whimp’

Death is never a small matter

Nor is it ever easy to digest

Even when it affects something so insignificant in the world

Still it affects me, nevertheless.

September 25, 1997----October 2, 2003

___________________________________________________

my house officially reeks death...(no really it stinks)

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2009-06-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hi, I’m Kera. KB to some who couldn’t remember my whole name and even then didn’t remember having that conversation to even remember my initials (thanks BP). I was an honorary house guest of the Florida crew and for that I’m very grateful to have gotten the chance to share in the alcoholic destruction of our livers and more obvious, our brain cells. Here is what I can piece together from the weekend…and sadly some of these facts I don’t even remember, it’s only what I’ve been told.

Thursday Night:
I arrive at the house around 8ish with Julie. I recognize about 3.5 faces and pretend like I remember more from brief meetings in Nashville at Julie’s house. As usual, Al does a great job of acknowledging my existence and making me feel special then is quick to catch up with Julie. Check out the house, check out the fridge, it’s packed with beer mostly. I don’t drink beer. I think “maybe not drinking won’t be so hard this weekend”. Wrong. Beer pong has begun outside. Polite socializing inside. I decide to go out with Tab and Jamie but get left before I get done getting ready. I don’t have a car and I don’t know where I am so I stay put. I have a glass and a half of rum Julie brought but the bottle gets consumed before I can even get a buzz. I make small talk, watch beer pong, and have a seat at the kitchen table. More arrivals to the house who seem lively and fun and I secretly wonder where the hell we are going to fit everyone in this 3 bedroom house. I talk with Liz and she assures me a store run in the morning, I meet Meli who honestly informs me my name won’t be remembered because it’s too complicated or weird or something like that, and I discuss running with a few others in the morning. I’m tired from my ass crack wake up and travel and I’m sober, so I decide to crash early for the night. I sleep at the foot of a bed on an air mattress that’s so poorly inflated that my fat ass can feel the floor under me. I sleep anyway.

Friday:
Wake up to the smell of burnt eggs. I find I’m one of the last ones up and the running crew has already gone and eaten already. I’m assuming they had been too drunk during our convo last night to remember to wake me up for the run. I don’t mind. I got to sleep a decent amount for once. I run, make myself an egg, rinse off, and walk to the beach. I find the crew, most of which are already drunk and playing games. So I strike off to find some others that I know. Meet up with fellow Nashvillians. They have non beer alcoholic products and I help myself to a soco and diet. The first of too much liquor consumed for one day. Fast forward: the Lord’s rain, traffic jam, several rum and diets, shower, dressed, and out for dinner. I catch a ride to dinner in the big white truck and get awkward looks from Nicole most of the drive…well, the whole weekend actually. Dinner was good. First stop, crabs. Big buckets of liquor…2 or 3 I believe. Make new friends. Next stop, bamboo willie’s. I meet back up with the house crew there. I hang out with Liz. Fellow Nashvillian attempts all night to steal my new fedora hat. I meet new friends in the bathroom line. I do push ups. I’m not sure why that was a good idea at the time. Lots of alcoholic slushie drinks. HB finds me fighting for my hat and proceeds to tell me about a pretty little lady looking for me. “Me?” “Yes, you!” I find the pretty lady. More slushie drinks...a lot more. Not sure how many exactly…people keep handing them to me and I keep drinking them. I keep buying them. Dancing. I luck up with a kiss from the pretty lady before I forget the rest of the evening. Blackout. Literally. Like the guy from a million little pieces kind of black out.

Saturday:
I wake up to some random motel attendant telling me that the breakfast in the lobby is ready if I want some. It’s 6am. I’m in a random motel lobby. I don’t know how I got here, when, what time. I smell like shit, I feel like shit. My fedora hat is gone, my phone is broken. I don’t remember how either happened. I call a cab. I eat some motel breakfast. Tip the nice man who let me pass out in the lobby without calling the cops on my crazy ass. Get ripped off by the sweet looking old man cab driver on the way to the house. The trip usually costs $6.50. It cost me $35.00. I wanted to yell at the old man to quit driving 10 miles an hour but I’m too confused and hung over. Finally arrive at the house. 630am, I ring the doorbell. Allison answers the door, “where have you been?” “I woke up in a motel lobby.” Laughing. “Well, how did you get there?” “I have no idea.” “How did you get here?” “I have no idea.” I shower. I wash my clothes. I manage to find a blanket and curl up on the hardwood floor next to Allison’s air mattress by the front door. Sleep.

I wake up. Still tired. Still confused. No one can fill me in on what the hell happened the night before. I remember slushies, dancing, kisses from the pretty lady, then nothing. I don’t remember leaving the bar. [I’m informed later by the bartender about ordering wings (which I never eat sober or really even like) from Hooters and bringing them back to the bar demanding to pay for them again at Bamboo Willies. They don’t even serve food. I apparently got angry for them not letting me re-pay for them. And funnier still, when I get home and check my credit bills, I have no Hooter charges except for the lunch I actually remember having with Julie, so only God really knows how I got the wings] No all day drinking for me today. Lunch with Julie and other Nashvillians. Home for a nap because there is drama and I have no phone or car or running shoes so I’m stuck at the house. So, nap it is. Pretty kissing lady doesn’t talk to me all day and barely notices me. Maybe she was too drunk to remember, maybe I didn’t kiss well enough being waste face, maybe I said or did something foolish between kissing her and waking up in a motel lobby and that’s why I didn’t get home.

Shower. Dressed. Reintroduce myself to the pretty lady…she looks at me like I’m an idiot, so I casually walk away. I don’t start drinking until right before we leave for the usual scene. Rum and diet. Make new friends and make them promise me that I’ll get home. Goal for the night = remember the evening, make it home. Crown and diet, dancing, run into new friends I met yesterday, dancing. At this point I’m assuming the pretty lady is tipsy enough because she starts talking to me again. Liz takes the Liberty of telling the bar I’m married in order to get the numbers instead…I don’t mind. I’m finally getting acknowledged by the one I’m interested. Home. Bathing suits. Beach run at 3am…takes all 7 girls there to pick up my fat ass and throw me in the ocean…it’s cold. Group shower in our suits……

Sunday:
Wake up in a sandy bed. Perfect beach day. Hot and sunny. Pretty lady talks to me more today. 72 applications of sun screen. Brief rugby game. One game of dizzy chug the beer you don’t like with sand bat game for me. One mile piggy back. Home. Run. Chill. Last night out. Crown and diets. Acquire 15 separate tabs of the same two drinks from bamboo willie’s and flounders. I switch shirts in the middle of the bar with a size 2..i’m a size 10ish. Whose bright idea was that? Dance with Katy, write notes to pretty lady and pretty lady’s pretty friend Al. Cab home. Bread face. Food. Music. Bed at 6am but no sleep. KTO yelling “Uh, yes I would like to report a stolen vehicle..” BP “seriously, the police…come on, that’s not funny. Please hang up. And where is Amber?” Laughing my ass off. KTO…”no, I did not give her permission to steal my vehicle…” LMAO til I can’t breathe. Eventually, sleep.

Monday:
Almost fuck up chances with pretty girl. Beg for second chances. Clean the wreck of our frat house. Pack up. Say goodbyes. Win a second chance. Make many new, wonderful, funny as hell friends, find approval from Nicole, “(awkward stare)….you grew on me.” Load up with Julie and head for Nashville….

Hey KTO, Party Ended 9 Days Ago

2009-06-03T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'd like to be the first person to welcome KTO back from Pensacola...and congratulate her for riding the party out as long as possible. Here's to you, Cheers!

Love,

>:}

Mander's "fill" from what Amber missed...

2009-06-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

I shall attempt to add some moments I find worth blogging that were left out...I'm not on adderall so this could be short and sweet. Prob not.
Thursday:after getting lost while trying to get katy from the airport (i trusted you google maps) we find our way and gain a friend. Take him to the GreyHound Station and then were on our way. Random yes but I enjoyed him. We go to the beach and try to set up Dev's "Canopy Tent" more like "little shitty made for a baby tent". we say screw it and go to the house. Its awesome as expected. Well done Katy.
Anyway its night now and the shit show goes on...my first night was not nearly as adventurous as Amber's so I honestly remember nothing and then wake up to her spooning me.
Friday:Now this is where it gets good. Beach was fun, played some human fusball (i duno how to spell that), did some shotguns, dizzy bat, and played some string ball game. Starts to pour...but not before me and Beep pee under the walkway on the beach bc the bathroom line is too long. If you're not me, BP, Nicole, or ...Alex? Weird? I thought so too, then you didn't have as much fun as we did in that gay bashing rain that God sent us. We got in Grumpy Grandpa Dev's car (I will say she was kinda sober so i guess we could be annoying) and then immediately got out to funnel with the car next to us. we got back in. within 1 min decided we should just hitch hike bc were not moving anyway. We do. BEST DECISION EVER!
Beer funneling, helping gay men get their cars out of the sand for jello shots, running down the middle of the road and having ppl literally just handing us beers...and i dont mean just any beer, fancy beers. I had a Heineken...be jelly. This goes on for about 30 min (meanwhile the rest of the 22 ppl were with are pissed off and sitting in a car somewhere in traffic haha) and then we hit the point where theres no more traffic and ask the first bunch of dyke's we see in a truck for a ride. Of course they gave us one. get dropped right in front of the house, wasted, and before anyone else.
The rest of the night goes like this through my eyes. Ate something, drank more, ended up in the shower with Beep...I dunno how it came up or actually occured but I do remember being like "this isnt as weird as i thought it would be, wait why are we naked?, oh well its kinda nice having someone to talk to". Dont remember getting out or getting dressed. I do remember BP leaving though. I remember drinking water at the bar and sitting down for a long time bc I couldnt walk around. Finally got up in the last hour or so to dance. Don't remember going home or going to bed. (During this night I was wrongly accused for making out with Heather all night in the bunks...this was not us, I confirmed it with her. It was probably the deli sandwich crew below that I couldnt escape all weekend. No seriously I felt like every time I left to get away from the makeout they would relocate knowing I would go in that room next.)
Saturday: Went to the beach at like 4 got drunk by shotgunning and went home about an hour later. Continued drinking then took another shower with BP. Meli was super jelly so we let her come this time...not naked. It was ok but not as fun bc it was crowded, and Meli complained about being cold or something. Oh yes how could I forget, after getting out of the shower I misjudge how close the counter was to my face and decide to flip my hair over in a forceful manner. Slamming my left eye into the corner of the sink leaving a lump between my eyes and a small cut under my left eye. I was a "baby unicorn" as Nicole would put it. FML. This time I remember going to the bar. The rest is pretty much the same as Amber's Saturday night considering I think I spent the whole night going on adventures with her...oh yes and cuttin a rug was also part of this night...I believe Beep even said she was jelly and wanted to dance with us haha she would. Oh yes and I remember Meli playing hard to get with Kera. She was being a total bitch everytime me and Amber went to get more LC's and she said it was so she could be the dominate one (I dunno know I didnt care either). But I do remember avoiding Julie at the bar so she didnt want to take shots with us bc she only had one eye open. Took a cab home and ate hotdogs with Amber. I think I slept after that.
Sunday: shall i add that most of these mornings i wake up next to Heather, thankfully, and she always has something hilarious to say about how dumb/ugly/disgusting everyone looks at that time. Anyway I decide Im sick of the house so me and BP go to Whataburger for breakfast to change it up, get some fresh air. And ice for the keg. I dont know how I got us there safely after realizing I was still drunk once I got there. Got back to the house and decide its nice out lets go to the beach. 12 of us get into Dev's car and head out while most other dyke's go to Hooters. Its so hot out that it seems like no matter how many times I put on sunscreen my skin is still burning off me. We went through 9 cases this day. The last of them. I guess we felt pressure to finish them off bc it was the last day. Not sure what the hurry was considering they were gone by about 4.
Getting back to the house and playing 4 games of 4 corners in a row was my way to get more drunk. Too bad by the end of those games the blindness started to set in. Why did my eyes burn and constantly water?? No one knew. Might be due to smashing my head in the sink the night before and the bruise is spreading to my eyes but we all were too drunk to think of that so I was just going blind. I went out anyway. Too drunk to care. Of course after a few LC's and some beer I decided my eyes were now closing and I could no longer see so it was time to go home. Yes alone but I was wasted and that was cool with me. Until Amber came to join me, thanks Ambi. Thinking about it now Im glad because I wouldnt have been able to get up the back porch by myself to get inside. We played 1v1 pong and I won...I didnt have my contacts in. Me, Heather, Nicole, and Meli put bread all over Alex haha it was awesome. Heather's finest moment was "I make it rain, I make it rain" while dealing out slice after slice onto Alex's face. I fell asleep with Heather on the back porch, she doesnt remember, but I do. The sun was coming up. I somehow ended up inside.
Monday isn't necessary because I was blind for most of it anyway.

P’Cola 2009: “We Can’t Even Blog Most of It...”

2009-05-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

Ambii’s Rendition: (Taken from what I can remember o.O No one has wanted to start it because 1) it’s going to take forever and 2) no one really remembers everything. I’ll just pop an addie and enjoy the ride!)

Thursday:

(11pm ish): Ambii, Meli, BP finally get there and grab keg from Richey’s East.

(11 ish still?): Get to the beach house and everyone’s there…playing beer pong on the back porch. It’s windy. I put Woobie up so the balls don’t keep falling off the porch.

(12am ish): Meli, BP, Ambii, Nicole, Liz get bored waiting for their turn at beer pong domination. Decide it’s a good idea to wrap Meli and Nicole in a blanket like a burrito and fling them around the hardwood floor in the living room. (“It’s bamboo so the sand doesn’t scratch it too much,” Liz says. Ok. Sure why not, Liz. Lol.) *There are videos somewhere*

(This is where I lose any sense of time): 21-Cup beer pong starts. Ambii, BP, Meli are on team really, really good vs. …who cares they sucked. We start winning and dominating. Ambii is on fire. We play several games. I can’t remember anything else. Blackout. Wake up to Meli and BP yelling at me to get out of their twin-sized top bunk. I am furious because I am really drunk and not feeling well at all. I fling my shit along with my body to the other top bunk and attempt to sleep off the nausea whilst spitting everywhere. Blackout. Wake up in the white bathroom spitting in the toilet and on the floor. Blackout. Wake up underneath the house on the cement ground. I have been spitting on it. It’s cold. Where is my shirt? Blackout. Wake up on a bottom bunk bed in the morning hearing noisy people and things. Who is this next to me? Oh, hello Mandi.

Friday:

(9 or 10am ish): Who cares what time it is…I am still very, very drunk. I am not feeling as sick as the previous night. Meli and Nicole go running. I am thinking that they are insane and I hate them because they are making me feel really fat.

(10 ish): I really don’t want to miss out on the beach. I put on my bikini. I am still drunk so I am happy and frolicking. I think someone made us eggs and bacon. Thank you very much anonymous person. I am happy, still drunk, and eating my eggs and bacon. I want more. Everyone says I’ve had enough.

(10 ish still?): My happy drunkness starts to fade away. I am feeling very nauseated again. Uh oh…here comes the biggest hangover tidal wave I have felt in a long time. I am no longer happy and do not want to help everyone make sandwiches. I pass out in the bed next to Liz. People try to wake me up to come to the beach. I just want them to go away. They leave.

(12 ish): I wake up to Al and Julie and a few others coaxing me to come to the beach with them. I rather sleep for a month straight, please. The group doesn’t leave the room for awhile. They keep talking about last night and I can hear them. Make them go away. Something about BP and Meli hooking up. I am too hungover to tell them it isn’t true. I think.

(2pm ish): I finally get up and decide it’s a good idea to join the other 26 people at the beach. I drive over there and I spend over an hour looking for parking. I finally park in B.F.E. and pay $10 to hitch a ride to the spot where everyone is at. Whatever. I have a few beers and play this “balls-on-a-string” game.

Meli has already busted her foot and ankle on day 2. I’m there for about 45 minutes and the heavens crack open and it starts to rain so hard that it feels like hail. We think God hates us and is punishing us. Last year he sent us jellyfish. This year, he felt like making it rain. No, not the cool kind.

(3 ish): Me and Meli sprint a little over a mile back to my car. It feels like Mother Nature is throwing rocks at us. Wow, not fun to sprint a mile slightly tipsy and hungover at the same time with a backpack and slippers on in super rain.

(3 ish still): Me and Meli are in the back of the car line waiting to go back to the beach house. We haven’t moved in an hour. My brand new car is wet and sandy. Meli goes pee pee on the sand dune with a new friend. Drunk man with laptop (no longer working, might I add) taps on our window to talk to us about nothing. We’re not listening because he has a big drool hanging from his mouth. It might drop into my car. It doesn’t. He moves on to ramble to the car behind us.

(4 ish): Me and Meli say “fuck this” to the non-moving line and turn around to go the other way even though it was 30 miles to get to the house from there instead of 4. Meli falls asleep and starts mumbling shit. “I don’t wanna go inside,” she says in her sleep. “Uhh…it’s ok, you don’t have to,” I reply confused and amused.

(5 ish): We finally get back to the house. BP is wasted and waiting for us outside. She is being a drunk bitch and is yelling at me for taking so long. I want to punch her. Instead, I make us hot dogs. She is slumped, sitting on the counter with one eye open, a handful of chips in one hand, trying to text someone with her phone in the other hand, and has crazy, Don King hair.

(6 ish): More drinking and beer pong. Me, Mandi, and BP are on a team. I wonder how they can stand, much less make cups. Halfway through keg 2 and 9874520 cases of Natty. Me, Mandi, and Al take turns running and flinging our bodies onto the air mattress posted up on the wall. We’re ecstatic and intrigued at how far back it bounces you and laughing uncontrollably. Mandi offers to hold my hot dog. What a nice Mandi. Ultimate funny when Al tries it and bounces back and hits the back of her head on the corner of the TV cabinet. Not sure why her pain was so funny.

(7 ish): Walk into the bunk-bed bedroom. Meli and a drunk and naked BP and a drunk and naked Mandi are in there. What’s going on? What?! You two showered together? Naked?? Me and Meli give each other “what the fuck” looks. “Nnno noo noo…it’s totally cooool guys. It was like so platonic and shit and we had like a method and everything! Omg! I was just all washin’ my hair and it was so platonic and…don’t worry it was totally cool and platonic.” They can’t even stand on their own. They are falling over each other naked. Me and Meli help them put on their bras and panties and pick out their clothes for them. “No!” Mandi says while slapping away the t-shirt I picked out for her, “That’s a going-out shirt!”

(8 ish): It’s still pouring outside. Snydee and Kim are nice and play catch with me on the porch while they stay out of the rain. They dare me to go downstairs in the sand to play catch. I decide it’s a good idea to just jump off the porch. I hit the sand. I don’t feel pain, but the next morning my ankles are really sore and bruised in weird places. The nice lady next door warns us about the leftover glass and debris in the sand. Whatever lady, I’m drunk. Mandi wants to play too. I convince her to jump off the porch. Now we’re both playing catch in the sand and rain. Didn’t you just shower, Mandi? Oh yeah, let’s go back inside. The front stairs are too far. I squat her on my neck so she can pull herself up onto the porch and monkey her way up. Her sandy feet are on my face.

(10-11 ish): Remember that time we had to stick an IV into that doctor in the closet? One down…25 more to go… Mandi and HB put fully-loaded sammies under KTO and her (ex?) GF’s pillows. They did not forget the jalapeños. Cab to Bamboo Willy’s. Pink alcoholic slushy drink: not so good. Orange 190 Octane slushy drink: perfect. Me and Meli trade. I flashback to last year when the red slushy drink turned my braces red. I cringe.

(Time no longer exists): Drinking, dancing, and super awesome band. A certain blonde is makey outey with a certain strappin’ young lady. Really wasted girl can barely stand on her own on the dance floor. She likes to put her hands on me and under my skirt. It’s ok, she’s wastey. Some of us take a cab home and play some beer pong. I watch some Ace Ventura: Pet Detective on the TV. Everyone gets back and more beer pong. Nigh nigh.

Saturday:

(Daytime): As the drunken days go by, I start to care less and less about the time and what day it is. It’s daytime and that’s all I know. I wake up again and put on my bikini. “Ambii, we need the 3^rd keg,” everyone says. Me, Dev, and Ape go back to Richey’s East to get the keg we reserved. We get lost. Dev is drunk. She farts a lot. We get back to the house. BP is drunk again and is yelling at us because we took so long. I try to ignore her before I have the urge to punch her again.

(Later in the daytime): We finally go to the beach. I like it today, hardly anyone is here. We fit 9 people, along with all of 6ers shit including a basket of clothes, into her Saturn. Dev did not forget her trashbag of Natty Lite and ice. Some people rode in the trunk. We pull up right next to our spot and immediately get the car stuck. Sweet, let’s go drink on the beach already. We drink beer, do shotguns, throw the football and rugby ball around and make fun of naked people. We make Mandi blow her whistle around her neck every time there’s a topless person. She blew it a lot. There is a bright rainbow-colored cage near the water. Everyone wants BP to get in it. “BP get in the F*CKING cage!” She is a bitch and does not. We play “Never Have I Ever” with beers. We find out that several people have S’d a D, L’d a D, L’d a C, F’d in the A, and used a V before. No one had put their N in someone’s V, however. One weirdo had covered people’s mouths and noses while doing it to see what would happen before, though. Who does that?

(Even later in the daytime): KTO’s (ex?) GF cuts her hand with a knife trying to carve a hole in the bottom of the whiffle bat. We shake our heads. There is blood everywhere on the sand, volleyball, whiffle bat and everything else. We see a certain someone who is taller than 6 feet’s V from behind. Meli and I get buried in the sand cuddling. She goes nigh nigh on my arm.

BP ruins it by undoing my top. I chase her try to beat her up whilst holding my breasts. We decide it’s finally time to go home because we have no beer left. 60 beers in less than 30 minutes.

(Evening time): Playing beer pong some more. The keg is flat…gross. Duh, we’re still drinking it. BP vomits 4x over the balcony. Apparently someone has accidentally found someone else’s vibrator. Who brings that to P'Cola? Dev is passed out cold in the bed. I decide it is a good idea to put my butt cheek on her face cheek. Mandi thinks so too. I do it. Twice. Mandi wants a go at it. We’re hilarious. Dev is still passed out cold. Gay man is intrigued as he watches us. We decide to do it at the same time. Our two cheeks smoosh her two cheeks together in unison. Absolutely and utterly genius. (Monday morning Dev has pink eye. It was on Mandi’s butt cheek side of her face. Just saying.)

(Nighttime): This time drunken BP, Mandi, and Meli shower together. I make fun of Meli. I think someone made spaghetti? Thank you for the spaghetti. I think it was HB. Bamboo Willy’s again. More beer, LC shots, and 190 Octane with extra 151. Sounds like my kind of night. I get hives. Mandi shows us a secret pee place. It is more awesome than I could have ever imagined. Mandi and I go on an adventure in the pee place. This pee place is the equivalent to the closet leading to Narnia…except it’s for drunks. We play on somebody’s yacht thing for awhile. We agree that BP would be the one to fall in first if she were here. Then we follow the music to an empty bar upstairs. We hope we don’t get in trouble. It’s a far walk back to Willy's. “It would be faster if we take the roof,” I say. No, not a good idea. Heads we walk away, tails we do it. Tails. “Damnit. Now we gotta do it.” We scale the roofs of the bars until we get to Hooters.

There are people eating at the tables. Maybe they won’t see us? They don’t. We drop down from the tables and walk casually back to Bamboo Willy’s.

(12-1am ish): We all dance the night away with the super awesome band. I get very sweaty and soaking wet. My undies are soaked. It’s very hot in here. Kelly keeps ripping my shirt open. I pretend like I don’t like it, but I am very sweaty and it’s very breezy. Kelly also keeps biting me. I don’t like this. It hurts very much.

(1am ish-?): I don’t remember how we got home. All I remember is Mandi and I tearing the kitchen apart. We ate spaghetti and hot dogs. No mustard. Or coconut. There was a little cheese in the spaghetti. I’m pretty sure we played more beer pong. Blackout. Wake up on the bare wood patio with my woobie. He keeps me warm. Decide it’s time to go nigh nigh in the bunk beds.

Sunday:

(Morning time): I open the blinds while sitting on top of the bunk bed. I point and laugh at Al who is sleeping outside my window on the patio.

(Lunch time): Some of us go to a restaurant/deli thing. 3 of us order fish tacos. The other 2 order fish sandwiches. “Cliché, party of 5,” kids HB. Head to Hooters to start drinking. Everyone else is at the beach. The Bud Light is giving me some serious hives…again. I am not amused. We head to the beach to meet everyone else. The last of the beers via shotguns, beer bongs, and drunks are demolished. BP looks dumb in her oversized t-shirt dress. Meli’s foot is all jacked up. We run out of beer. Time to go back to the house.

(Late afternoon/evening time): We are not done with the beach yet, so we go to the beach by our house. The sunset is beautiful.

(Nighttime): I’m hungry and I want a number 2 with a diet coke, please. The beer in the keg is flat…again. Mandi is “blind.” I have heard that the first sign of fatal alcoholism is blindness. Bamboo Willy’s…again. I chant, “LC! LC! LC!” I get about one or two of them plus some beers before we realize that Willy’s sucks tonight. Flounders instead. Chug our beers before we go inside. I want more LC. Check. I want a Long Island. Check. Yes, put it in that giant mason jar. No, I don’t need a straw! Once again, my face is the color of a strawberry. Mandi’s blindness is ruining her life and she must go home. All LC’d up, it was almost literally the blind leading the blind. Damnit…the front door is locked. Wait a minute! The door on the back porch probably isn’t! *Cue circus acrobat clown music* Do do do do do do do do. Once again, I help Mandi onto the back porch. It’s a good thing we practiced earlier this weekend. What to do…what to do... When all else fails and you have nothing left to do—beer pong. 6-cup 1v1. I lost in the 3^rd OT to a blind kid. (Dev: “There was a blind kid there???”) KF decides it is a good idea to crack a raw egg on my back. Who does that?

Monday:

(Sunrise): Wake up to BP yelling in my face and telling me to get up. Where am I? Why am I so cold? Why is there sand in my mouth? Jesus…I’m on the beach. How did I get here BP? …and how the hell did you find me? She brings me to the bunk beds. KTO is on the phone. She is really loud. “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CAR? WHERE DID THAT BITCH GO? I’M CALLING THE COPS!” “Uhh..911? Yeah hello, I’d like to report a stolen vehicle… It’s a silver Honda… Yes, I know the name of the thief… Her name is ______ _______... Yes, I can describe her… She’s about 6 foot…Cuban…has thinning hair…”

(Morning time): Wake up next to BP on the bunk beds. My liver hurts. My head hurts. My body aches. I might win the random bruises contest. I think someone made me some eggs. I love them. I wander around the house with a half-eaten sandwich in my hand. It’s heavy. I don’t want it anymore. As we clean and disinfect the house, we are all glad to leave. *Cue “Damaged” by Danity Kane*

T-Minus 24 Hours Until Ultimate Liver Destruction and Counting...

2009-05-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

Doubt it...

>:}

we poppin champagne like we won a championship game

2009-05-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

So, leave it to us to even make gainesville look wild. I do wish I had the motor skills necessary to have done this last night, but lets face it, that wasn't happening. What was happening however: brief weekend recap - irish car bombs, spin the bottle (without the bottle), monster truck tattoos, every style of finger mustache, fits of rage, strip beer games, scooter joyrides, blackouts, makeouts, and four corner shootouts, rock band, graduation, flip cup, throw up. The rest is either forgotten or just too ridiculous to record. But just for shits and giggles, I must paint this lovely picture in your mind . . . it is 6am, pouring rain, and there is an angry asian in a bikini on a crotch rocket zooming by your car. oh ambiiiiiii, you are precious.

I am blogging in a blanket fort with my dog. FML. - Meli

2009-05-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

Do you guys have doritos over there? TIIIIIIIIIIIIINA . . . fucking bring the doritos. So tonight we met Tina. Tina is the shit and we love her. OK so we started out by going to the softball game. Which we lost but its cool bc its double elimination and it is regionals. I am eating doritos right now and were watching the new Pink video.. Everyone includin Melissa is on the edge of their seat watching and they have pretty intense faces on. I want to . . . and now this is meliss. . . .and she just got done playing ROIDS! and lets face it, she is intense. . . wow, i just realized i use elipsis too much. damn, i really like them. but mander is now arm deep into cooler ranch. and ella is a bitch. and bos at...Tina is foreign and cant read anyway so Im not worried. I bet Sarah is going to put it in her butt tonight and were gonna laugh tomorrow. Ella ella ella eh. oh. my. god. erica van der linden everybody . . . .she say omg ella says fuck this shit i'm fucking out and tina over here is like hey hey hey! i'm going to play a card trick! is this your card? no.. and again? ... just checking you know... is this one you're card? nah. okay f this is this? is this? nah bitch i got your card! is this one it?! yes. yes is the answer. that's how damn good she just played that trick. so well that she said fuck it i might have got it wrong! and then slapped the card like it was her bitch. yah i said bitch. but it was her bitch! damn she's good. and then we continued watching the 30 second to mars video.. wait no. we didn't do that.. just probably sarah lol.... tina's card trick=success. (even against the amazing 30 second to mars video)... and the card tricks continue. and Tina "fucked it up." direct quote. but no doubt woman is gonna get her shit together and trich the mother fucking shit out of your shit! yah i said it. bring it matha fucka!

- Eri

...And then we hustled boys in beer pong

2009-05-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 10pm, I was just waking up from a nap as my phone rang. "Hey wanna go to Big Daddy's and play beer pong I think it's free and you win stuff?" I thought about it but decided it would be best to stay in and try to make it one more day without drinking. Then a Taco Bell commercial intrigued me and I decided if I could have whatever they just showed me I would be ok with drinking. Meli agreed that we shouldn't "fuck around with salads if were going to be fat" in her words. So we went. I'll make most of this short by saying we went, got beer, and then we hustled boys in beer pong. Most boys don't expect girls to be good at, well, anything. We were bet 10 bucks to beat these guys...as we did, we slowly grew a fan club that gathered every time we played. Of course we ended up losing and leaving before the end even though it was double elimination because it took 30 min between games and we pretty much got bored. We did have plenty of entertainment to keep us occupied during the wait...chubby, skinny, slutty, and drunk...they were all out last night. Of course chubby girls night was 'cut' short when she cut her arm on some glass and had to take her homemade midriff off to wrap around it. Oh and we found out that skinny girl, the girl with the all too obvious camel-toe, was only 17. All-in-all we came out even in beer pong and had another interesting night to share. It wasn't one of the craziest but more random. Oh I'll be trying to add a picture of camel-toe soon so keep checking. Adios.

- Mandi

2009-05-12T08:57:00.000-07:00

Picking up where we last left off, our good old friend Edward came to play. Edward 40 hands that is, in the form of some delicious not-so-cold Colt 45's. Of course I beat Mander in this feat who wimped out with 10 ounces remaining. Nothing short of fantastic and the drunker we got the wierder and wierder our conversations got until we all decided we were obsessed with serial killers while led to my insomnia that night and my sneak attack on Allison at 4am who screamed and mistook me for a banshee. Apparently I did sleep for a few random moments however, long enough for everyone to hear me talking in my sleep saying "of course" and "i am so tired" over and over.

-Meli

Mander's additions

2009-05-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'll just go ahead and introduce myself. I'm Mander. I'm sure you have seen Meli mention me in her notes and I'm proud to say I'm the one that's right by her side through all of these seemingly made up stories, but trust they are truly real happenings in our alcoholic lives. I like to pick up some of the pieces that Melissa leaves out (due to the fact she doesn't remember sometimes... i.e. how she got her black eye) to make sure you get the full effect of each encounter we have. Oh yeah and I'll be adding some of my own thoughts. Stay tuned...I would write some write now but I have to go buy 40's to duct tape to mine and melissa's hands... don't worry I'll be back soon.

Drinking With Lincoln

2009-05-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

So, it was decided a few weeks ago to book flights to D.C. so we could booze in a new environment. So this my friends, was the beginning of the journey.

Day 1: Decided it would be an awesome idea to drink at the airport, on the airplane, through the layover, etc. etc. etc. Arrived in D.C., whomped at beerpong, molested the dance floor, and succeeded at gettin sloppy.

Day 2: Began at 10am with sangria. Wandered the streets for a while and did what we do best throughout the afternoon. For the evening we went to a mansion party where things began to stir up, turns out the host passed out upstairs on the floor while a 19 year old birthday party was going on in the kitchen, equiped with grey goose, patron, tiaras and ceramic greyhound figurines. Outside in the hottub, the birthday girl was toplessly pleasuring herself while coke deals were being made all around her. The cops came. The host woke up, put bubbles in the jacuzzi, kicked out all the 12 year olds. Birthday girl got alcohol poisoning and threw up the last 18 years of her life in a matter of minutes. They attemped to carry her lifeless body upstairs but dropped her on her head, twice. Mander and I killed two asians at beerpong which felt nice, but the dignity we had lost from being at the birthday bash was not regained. Cabbed it home to drink Henny and fell asleep at 6am with the sunshine in my face.

Day 3: Rode the metro to an upscale bar, sat next to three water bottles of captain. We got table service, which is a new concept to me, considering we dont get classy in Tallahassee. Apparently you pay $300 for a bottle of Kettle One? Killed that in a matter of minutes, singlehandedly started a dance circle. Watched in awe as a woman with a scrunchie (clearly on E) broke it down with herself on the dancefloor and I was so amused by this that I failed to realize that everyone I was with was yelling/crying. I remained oblivious to this until this morning. Mander carried me on her back down the road like it was her job because someone stomped their stilletto on my toe, probably said scrunchie woman. Arrived at home and started again.

And here we are, on Day 4. Plans to swig our flask next to a national monument and engage a random group of bargoers in the Seminole chant.

-Meli

2009-05-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Sunday Funday,

I can accept that you wrecked my car, but please explain my black eye.

I expect a response pronto.

Your Biggest Fan.

2009-05-03T13:41:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFypj4ONoq4

The Beginning.

2009-05-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention recently that it may be entertaining and entirely ridiculous to document what goes on in my crazy alcoholic life. Thus, here we are, me getting ready to allow your entrance into my most cherished moments. Many of these posts will take place in a drunken state, while many will occur in the lovely hungover mornings that follow. enjoy responsibly . . . or dont. just don't judge.